The Worlds Spin In My Head

Her last morning with me….

When the sun went down yesterday, I felt a much needed calm come down over me, it felt like a warm blanket, it was a gift. Not an external  gift, it was from God. I was somehow comforted. I slept most of the night, only waking briefly a couple of times. But when the sun began to rise and my eyes opened to the new day, my first thought was to get up and walk Peaches. Then I cried. I cried out loud for a few minutes, then I did a little self talk. You see my eyes are burning, swollen and ache. Yesterday tears have caused my face to swell, the look is not attractive, but nothing I do is going to stop the constant reminders that I have lost her. I always walk her,  at least since I have been living where we did not have a fenced in yard. Go back to 2003 I left her with Ed for a couple years to get my life sorted out, I did not grieve about her then, she loved living with Ed, he was good to her and she respected him. (she minded him better than she did me) I also knew she had the best place in the world for a dog to live, down by Beaver lake, she could run as far as she wanted to, she lived in dog paradise. I visited her often and she came to visit me sometimes, it was a good thing.  But when he gave her back to me in 2005, we had to make major adjustments, and one of them was for her to be on a lease all the time, I never got another place she could run free. But I gave her the most love that I have ever given anyone or any dog. I planned my life around the fact that she was part of mine. Every job, every living situation, every decision was with her in mind. So to expect me to move on from this hurt is obscene. I have to let go of all the focus of her incrementally. One way is to write about it. Another is to cry, but soft tears falling on my cheeks is ok, crying to the point of not being able to breath is another. The later is what I did all day yesterday.

Here is a poem my brother Rex sent me just after I learned of Peaches kidney disease.

In Blackwater Woods

Look, the trees

are turning

their own bodies

into pillars

of light,

are giving off the rich

fragrance of cinnamon

and fulfillment,

the long tapers

of cattails

are bursting and floating away over

the blue shoulders

of the ponds,

and every pond,

no matter what its

name is, is

nameless now.

Every year

everything

I have ever learned

in my lifetime

leads back to this: the fires

and the black river of loss

whose other side

is salvation,

whose meaning

none of us will ever know.

To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(American Primative)

Today is day 3 of her departure, grief is hollow, it enters your soul and it makes you feel like a empty tree trunk standing in the forest waiting to fall. The shell is all that is left, nothing left inside. I miss her so much, the wishes of her returning, me going back for her, the listening for her little snorts to tell me time to go outside, all that is gone. No more…. I know there are people who can dismiss this type of loss with a blink of an eye, cry a tear to two, then move on. I am not one of them, and that is part of the reason I made a decision to never get involved with another man, the pain of loss was too much of a chance to take and I never wanted to feel that loss again. I knew how to avoid it,and I have been much contented since. However, Peaches had been with me before that time, before the last man in my life that cut out my heart and left it bleeding on the edge of the cliff. She was a comfort to me, she was the rock solid in my life, she never asked for much, and gave me more that any love ever has. Now that is gone, over, and I must adjust.


The worst time is early mornings, that is when she was up and ready to go outside. I wake up and she is not here, the room is silent, my mind reels, immediately I begin to come to and come to the awareness that is she gone, it is like reliving it all over again.


In her last days, I would carry her outside and let her limp along, her loud panting told me the pain was enormous, she would muster all her strength and try her best to carry on, but the site of her struggle would flood my senses and I would cry in pain. Watching her struggle like that was so horrible, and I refused to let her suffer. She did not suffer long, it was the next day after her leg had swollen up and her ability to walk had diminished, that I took her to Dr. Raab.


One thing I promised me and her, was that I would be brave enough to let her go when she began to suffer. That was the hardest thing I have ever in done in my life. You know what, I want that little puppy, I do, but it is not the time. I must wait. Time is going to be the great healer, I have to trust that. I have endured pain in my life many times, I have cried rivers, I have felt the pain of lonely rooms, of lost loves, and strange and unknown futures. I have always managed to pull myself together and carry on.  I know that she (Peaches) would not be happy to know I was so unhappy. If I cried in her presence, she always seemed to get nervous. I believe she did not like to see me so unhappy. So I must learn to live without and learn to move away from this morbid reflection.

Each day carries with it new hurdles, new challenges, and new reminders. I hardly can walk outside without feeling her absence. I want to feel better, yet somehow the idea of forgetting her is also frightening. It isn’t just something like, oh well, this is over, now I can move on. But yes, as time passes, my life will move forward and things will get easier. I trust that. I pray for that. I pray….. It is “time to let go”.


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One thought on “The Worlds Spin In My Head

  1. Your strength and wisdom show through your writings. The loss of Peaches is truly sad, but the emptiness will slowly fade, fond memories will become brighter, and a new day will have welcoming arms for you.

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