Monday May 3 – One Month Down….

I have been blogging about my journey with Peaches into her final days for about 30 days now, the blog entry “I don’t have an answer for that” is so long that I can no longer hit the publish button on the bottom. It has gotten too long and I guess too many “edits”. So I have decided to begin a new month, with a new entry. For those who have knowledge of her pending demise, this is just more of the same. New day, new issues (sometimes)

Too cute, she was feeling bad this day, the towel helped her, it made her more comfy.

I have been taking each day with a guarded but optimistic  outlook.  For the last couple of weeks, she has been steadily improving, at least in her eating, and that certainly has been a blessing. Today has not been so great. She woke up this morning with a very painful front right lower joint. Maybe like our (humans) wrist. The pain is so bad, she can barely put any pressure on it, and because of her illness, she is showing the signs of her overall weakness. Walking is almost impossible for her. I want to throw up. I cry just watching her as she limps along trying with all of her heart to go outside to pee and walk that dam fence line. Is that for her or is that for me? I wonder why the hell does she need to do that?

Whatever motivates her, she has to get out to that fence line and sniff it. I have pulled a chair out there so I can allow her the freedom and time to check the thing out fully.

I have made an appointment with Dr. Raab, it will be at 11:00 am tomorrow. Right now she is resting, but eventually she will want to go outside and try to go do #2. I am going to limit her outing to brief (very brief) walks outside today. She needs her rest.

I want to listen to sad music, I want to think sad thoughts. I want to read sad words. I want to melt into the abyss of tortuous meaningless emptiness. I am hurting. I feel her slipping away from me, and her eyes cry back to me, why can’t she tell me what to do? I don’t want to let her go. Life for me today is miserable. I took her out on a short walk so she could relieve herself, and she was not able to walk back. She just stood there, it was maybe 15 feet from the car, she could not do it. I gave her time, I disconnected her lease so she could take her time, but she never moved. I came back and picked her up and carried her to the car. I carried her back into the house. She is not feeling good at all.

Drama you ask? yeah I say, Drama. I feel that knife inside my gut. I need to express this or else it goes inside me and doesn’t leave. I am grateful to be able to write these feeling down.

I ran across this quote today….

In every man there is something wherein I may learn of him, and in that I am his pupil.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

I feel that way about Peaches, she is my teacher. I learn from her and even during this perilous time I am learning  things that even though they don’t feel so hot, they are valuable lessons. I have been reading and watching some videos on how to find happiness. I write about that often, it is an inside job, no doubt. One can never expect to be happy all the time, and one can never expect external experiences to fix the ugliness that sometimes winds it’s way into our being and decides to set up shop. I feel that ugly side of life right now, all day I have wanted to throw up or lay down and cry, anything that would stop this pain would be nice. But I keep going back to the quote above, “the lesson” there is a lesson. These are the learning jewels of life, losing someone is a time when the inner depths of our souls speak to us wall to wall sound. No matter how we may try to avoid the sounds of despair in our hearts, we either can allow it, or it will find us by some kind of sickness. No getting around this, hurt is hurt, but hiding is not a good option.

This book I am reading The Empire of Illusion by Chris Hedges devotes an entire chapter to The Illusion of Happiness, in it he gathers different writers on psychology and details some of their approaches to creating mass positivity. In that chapter he delves into the idea that we can teach people how to be happy. I have a little experience with this sort of mind bending, as I have too have learned how to be at least content [with what I have] rather than some “illusive” state of perpetual happiness, which to me, does not exist. Then there is also the quality of my  life experiences, which in many ways extend to my outer circumstances. For example, meeting the basic hierarchy of needs, food, shelter, water, sleep, air, those are things I must have in order to survive, but then as the pyramid moves upward the levels of achievement toward autonomy may become skewed, even out of order. I am not interested in debating Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, I am only bringing it up to highlight the basic fundamental needs of all human being, but do we really understand what it is we need to be “happy” or even “content” after that is said and done?

Chris Hedges states in his book “Philosopher David Joping calls such Illusions “life-lies.” He argues that so called positive illusions may work for a while, but collapse when reality becomes too harsh and intrudes on the dream world.”

I have thought about that for a long time, I agree with that statement. I have been taught how to break out a addiction to my drama response, I practiced  and practiced learning how to stop those neurons from firing when I was stressed out. I believe the saying “what wires together, fires together” and if I disrupt those connections, my response will be calmer, and that leads to contentment.

However, there are times in life as the quote above states where “reality become too harsh” and life comes crashing down. I must confess I am reaching that place. I also believe in a higher form of intelligence that exist out there somewhere. I call that formless thing God, I have learned from experience that I must surrender my fears to that power in order for it to come into me. I must let go of the fear that blocks my connection to the peace and tranquility that is offered to us All.

I will say that I may have fears, unhappy thoughts and moment of total despair, but in honest reflection, I will also say, that today, they don’t last as long.

I do have faith …….

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