(my mom, she is probably 16 years old)
My life changed last week, my dear mom passed on to her next destination. Some people tell me she is in a better place, that is hard to understand. However in fairness, I too, have told that to people before, but it was when the end of ones life had reached the place where there was nothing for them to enjoy. I could see it being said, “they are in a better place”. My mom was not actually there yet, but she was not exactly living the life she had enjoyed over the past 8 and 1/2 decades. She was in a state of limbo, some days better than others. I was sad to see her finishing her last chapter in that nursing home, but it wasn’t gloomy. She seemed to be pain free, content and in good spirits. Daddy on the other hand, was in misery. He begged to die. He was a much stronger person than mom, so if he had reached his tipping point – I believed him. He endured his misery in order to remain here with her. When he died, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. He WAS in a better place.
The woman who told me yesterday in Alanon that my mother “was in a better place” came across deeply disingenuous. I could spend most of this blog writing about that, but, no need. Her response was generic.
I don’t know if mom would be happy with her final outcome. There are many ways one could spin her final months. She was content to be in that nursing home. She introduced the aides as “her friends”. I think the day I heard her say that, I had the best feeling; she had embraced her surrounding and her day to day contacts as if they were special people in HER life. Indeed they were, they were kind and loving to her, that was a gift.
And then, I needed to move on, not overthink all of it. It was what it was. Dad’s death, mom’s inability to shake her grief, her alcoholism that plagued her until that last stroke, and the severe stroke (s) that finally landed her in the nursing home, her dementia that came on as fast as the stroke, and later I figured out that these strokes had been coming over a period of years and she had been declining bit by bit, but that realization came later and hindsight is 20/20. All of this information does not come to you wrapped in a pretty package, it is information that slowly develops if you want to figure out what had occurred. I do. That is not what I am writing tonight.
Tonight is about a dead gray rabbit and dying baby squirrel
The rabbit was in a dream one night ago, it was lying on my front walk. I do not know why it was there any more than I know why I dreamed about it. I tried to get some information from my google search, but it wasn’t that easy. I am still clueless.
The baby squirrel was in the parking lot this afternoon, it was so little and would not move. We knew it had something wrong. We finally figured out it had been injured in the head, and the boys wanted to ‘put it out of it’s misery’, which, is not a bad thing. But, I ran off when they suggested it. I realized it wasn’t a bad idea, but emotionally, I ran.
Dead rabbit in dream, dying baby squirrel and mercy killing. How are these two events connected? Are they? I think they are. I just went through a miserable week of watching my mother die. It was not a cake walk by any stretch, nor was it a bad thing. Her situation was terminal and if by some miracle she had survived, her way of living would never be the same. It was a stretch to say her quality of life was good at the nursing home, but it was not complicated. She had a routine, she was safe, and some days she knew what was going on. The medical situation that took her life came suddenly and I guess for whatever reason was her end. It was her time to go.
I could write and write about the circumstances, I could debate the decisions we made, I could debate the what-ifs and even question the soundness of her Doctor, all within my rights. But, in this case, and really out of respect for all concerned, I leave it be.
We were all there, by her side, til her final breath. My sweet brother sat all night with her, he sang to her, he read Psalms to her, it was a long night, I took a break, went down and tried to sleep, then he came and I went to sit with her. Wednesday night March 30, 2016.
She is still in ICU, I think they moved her to Comfort Care mid day Thursday March 31st. I am sure she still knows me, this is hard to look at, however, I am glad I took it.
I was with her from Wednesday afternoon about 6pm March 30th until April 1st at 1:45 pm when she took her last breath. I slept there, ate next door at Tad’s and ran to Prescott one time to shower and change clothing. It was a long 36 hours. I will never forget.
So what about the Rabbit and Squirrel? Not sure, maybe all they were meant to do was inspire me to come here and write. It worked.
When we are grieving, moving in a slow healing process through fear and loss, we are also undergoing an extraordinary awakening of the heart. Grief can broaden our capacity for empathy and deepen our strength. We mourn the absence of a loved one, the loss of safety and the disappearance of certainty – the stark awareness that none of know what might happen next.
But even here, there is a great life teaching: the truth of impermanence, the preciousness of this fleeting moment. The recognition that we don’t have a moment to waste – and the realization that love is the rational act of a lifetime. – Stephen Levine
Today I realize more that I did how much I have to allow that grief to flow through me. As this unit of my parents has moved on, the finality of it has yet to fully become part of my conscious thoughts. Maybe it is supposed to be that way, many folks tell me they continue to think of their parents almost daily. I do also.
Timothy Shriver: “If you get grief wrong, you get a lot of things wrong”.
Not being able to acknowledge grief, no one to talk about it with, or to even allow yourself the time to feel the pain. you hide from pain; you hide from the things that bother you, hiding comes in many forms – be it drinking, drugs, food, and even shopping (ahem) can be a form of denial, the internet can become a way to avoid feeling. I think I ran across one of my methods, which has become almost an obsession since mom passed, it is looking for a small condo. I filled many hours browsing the hundreds of photos of condos in a variety of communities in Arkansas and Missouri. Nothing has become of this diligent search, but the idea made sense to me. I thought about slowing down on my search and immediately this empty feeling came over me. I think the condo is a way of moving on, then when I don’t have that hope for tomorrow, the pain of my mom being gone comes back. There is an insecurity that I have that if I don’t allow myself to find a place to go, a home of some sorts, that I will be drifting out there in the unknown.
― Anne Lamott,
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Yesterday, July 22, 2015. My visit to a very good old friend was very difficult. It was so hard to see how far she has declined in the last few years regarding some kind of brain robbing disease. The robber comes armed with so many tools, it attacks our family and friends brains in so many forms and we all want answers we cannot have, so it seems? The magical, mystical organ we take for granted each day works in amazing wonder, ways we don’t even think about most of the time, we just muddle through our life, enjoying or not, the life we have received. That breath of life, it allows us to wake each day, plant our feet firmly on the ground and begin our daily task. Some [days] more fun than others. We waste too much time dwelling on past mistakes, worrying about future encounters and so much time we miss out in the present moment. I am as guilty as anyone and more than many. Today, I want to spend a few minutes in celebration of this beautiful woman who used to be my sidekick for many years. We did almost everything together. We laughed, partied, worried, cried, traveled, shared secrets, hopes and dreams. It was a time in my life when this lifestyle was about parties, bars, and liquor. None of which I do any of today. Caroline, married a good man, she and her husband have 23 years in union together, they are still married today, but she is in a nursing home. Her life made a drastic change. I wish I could say I have I been there for her in the last years, but after my divorce from Fat Jack in the mid-nineties, I moved away. I also had my own dragons to fight and eventually became an active member of AA and continued to struggle emotionally and financially. Then after things leveled off for me, I ended up living on the East Coast, which was a good place for me, and during the last 9 years, Caroline, slowly at first, began her downward spiral. First it was a minor glitch, after a major brain surgery, which left her with some memory issues, but the doctors told her, ‘in a couple years things would begin to improve’, which is not what happened. Matter of fact, in the most unimaginable way, this robber of the brain attacked her with vengeance. At first, as I mentioned, it was just a minor memory glitch, and slowly the memory began to loose it’s hold, names, places, dates, anything new, it would not be able to hold, she was in her 50’s. By the time she reached her late 50’s, it was beginning to take control, that robber was running the show. I spoke with her on her 57th birthday, she could barely converse, the words did not come -simple words, conversation was almost impossible. Today, she is 61, and has little cognitive ability going on, or that is what I saw, I am not a medical person. But, I know what I saw, verbiage that sounded like someone with a stutter that never got the word, ever. Endless stutters, which made me think she might have been trying to speak to me? I gave her my all, but eventually the communication gets too tedious even for her, “if” that is what I was hearing her try. The sounds were not close to words, it was a didididididididiididd and it did not end. Finally, after about a long 8 or 10 minutes she got up and walked out of her room, which was really good, because I don’t know what she knows, but it was time for me and Potter to leave. It was going no where. I had hugged her, loved on her, told her I was glad to see her, and tried to “hear” her. It was futile.
Here are our photos Charlie took..
I wasn’t just leaning away from her, somehow her hand was under my leg and I was afraid I would crush her tiny bones, but she wasn’t helping me move it. It was almost a struggle to get her hand to move.
We tried (bad lighting) to get her to look at Potter so we could get the photo, she was having nothing to do with looking at him? She seemed to know me, but I really think she might have thought I was someone else. She sure did not know Potter.
She did give me a smile, but not look up, she refused. My hand under her chin trying to get her to smile at camera without pushing or prodding.
Not sure if this smile/laugh was just to humor me or she actually recognizes me, but seeing a bit of life pop was good enough for me. I hope and pray I gave her something to smile about, it would be nice. I miss that sweet woman.
My time here in South Arkansas is filled with nursing home encounters, my mother is also in one, here is photo [below] I took last Monday, she is having dinner. I know she looks pretty bad, this is a woman who kept her hair fixed all the time, always wore makeup and dressed in nice clothing, the robber has arrived here as well. Do we all have this robber whirling out there somewhere? Is this inevitable?
My heart breaks…..
On December 15th, I was able to make a lasting memory when I got to sit with him and recall some of our favorite memories, we could have spent hours together reminiscing. I will cherish our visit for the rest of my life. Even though I had not seen Jack for more years than I can count, today I continue to morn his passing. He left life too soon.
One thing I know there is a “collective grief” that exist for him and many of us are still feeling the void he left behind. He will be indeed be missed for a long, long time.
Jack was “The Master” of making feel people feel special, he loved to work a crowd and ultimately became everyone’s friend. We witnessed the proof of that gift when we looked around the room at his memorial. I will never forget that day. I pray he was able to feel and be touched by all that love. I think he was.
Like others said, Jack was so multi-talented, loved, respected and admired, yet he remained so humble. He was (like Jiggs said) a GREAT MAN.
I am so honored to have been part of his life and that includes being able to see you and Cliff grow up.
I bought this card several days before his Memorial, but it has taken me this long to compose this letter to you. So many thoughts and words flood into my head, it took a little time to rest my mind and heart to be able to sit and write you. I hope I have done this justice.
Peyton, I pray you will be able to soon replace you grief with joyful memories, of course you will need more time. His loving presence will be missed, that will never change, but eventually the brightest memories will fill your heart and you will be able to think of him with a proud heart.
Jack ADORED ”YOU”. You know that, you will always know that. WE all knew that! I asked him about you when he and I visited, his eyes lit up! He will always be with you!
He never looked for praises, He was never one to boast. He just went on quietly working, for the ones he loved the most. His dreams were seldom spoken, His wants were very few and most of the time his worries went unspoken too. He was there… A firm foundation, through all our storms of life, a sturdy hand to hold on to, In times of stress and strife. A true friend we could turn to when times were good or bad one of our greatest blessings, the man that we called Dad (not sure who wrote this but it fits him well)
I Love You!!!! Always!!!
Today I want to write about Trust, I am working on that word in a studybook I am using and that word stumped me.
The question goes like this “How do I begin to trust in a power greater than myself?”
For some weird reason, I wasn’t able to fully to commit to using that word trust. I got hung up. I put my journal away for weeks, and finally today, on Thanksgiving, I decided to give a go. Why did the word trust add such a hurdle to what should have been an easy question to answer. I know that God watches out for me, I give things over to my God all the time and that wisdom beams into me like some kind of magic fairy dust. I do believe in that, what got me was using the word trust. I needed to work on using that word. So I googled the word and quickly came upon this quote by Maya Angelou and that got the ball rolling…
“I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves and tell me, ‘I love you.’ … There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”
Perfecto….I see now what is going on, it was that easy. I have been drawn to naked people offering me shirts all my life. I also grew up with naked people who gave me shirts. Why in the world would I not distrust trusting. Then I got to thinking about my uncanny way of mis-charterising most of the men in my life and many of my friends too. (unfortunately family too) I ran across this study….
(Adapted from Myers; Michener et al)
A. In a study by Rosenhan, eight pseudopatients who were actually research investigators gained entry into mental hospitals by claiming to hear voices. During the intake interviews, the pseudopatients gave true accounts of their backgrounds, life experiences, and present (quite ordinary) psychological condition. They falsified only their names and their complaint of hearing voices. Once in the psychiatric ward, they ceased simulating any signs of abnormality. They reported that the voices had stopped, talked normally with other patients, and made observations in their notebooks. Although some of the other patients suspected that the investigators were not really ill, the staff did not. Even upon discharge, they were still diagnosed as schizophrenic, though now it was “schizophrenia in remission”.
Rosenhan described his results to other mental hospitals, and their administrators said they could not be taken in by such a ruse. Rosenhan then told them that they would be visited by a pseudopatient in the next 3 months, and he challenged them to identify who it was. During the 3 month period, 193 patients were admitted, and the psychologists identified 41 they thought were pseudopatients. In reality, Rosenhan had not sent anybody! https://www3.nd.edu/~rwilliam/xsoc530/attribution.html if you want to read more….
What they were involved in was called Social Perception – this is the process of how we form perceptions of others. We have tools for that, we develop them as we learn to encounter the world. Some of us do better than others, but what is that tool?
Mine happens to imagination. My imagination is a useful tool when I create fantasy….
So how do we learn to form perceptions of others? I wondered that and still I have no solid answer, but in a way I think it loops back to Maya Angelou’s quote. Trust? or lack thereof….How did I form my earliest method of trusting and was imagination my best tool? If that is the deal, then of course I am flawed deeply today when the word crops up, for I have never done well with forming perceptions of others. Cause my imagination is giving me fits still to this day. But if this writer who is doing this study is correct, I am not alone. Even trained professions fall prey to their ability to perceive.
New Day, New View and New perception!
Today is Sunday May 3rd, 2015 – my previous writing was done back in November of 2014. I have been working hard to learn a new way of viewing the world. This process has been going on for many years, but finally I have made some deep [soulful] progress. I am leaning how to trust, love and let go. I am even learning how to discern and not judge. Here is a letter I wrote today and this is probably a good explanation:
Excellent writing, I am impressed with your insight and willingness to “let go” of judgement and desire.I had a rough day yesterday.* There was a group of Sr’s who decided to trash our house, calling it their “last night here” – in their profound wisdom they took the project on with vengeance. When I walked out of my apt that following morning I was shocked. I spent the day trying to get some boys to help clean it back up. The group of destructive Sr’s don’t even live here.
I did not want it happen again last night, so I decided to call one of their Advisors, (he is my age) and ask if he might help. I explained what happened and more, that I was worried about a repeat after the “fight of century”. The boys had ordered it on pay per view.
He made a few calls, and remarkably, the house was in perfect order this morning, the boys assembled to watch the fight and after the fight, they closed down.
I am still not clear on how to live in a world “judgement free”? There is judgement of others which can be harmful, if misused and there is a judgement that defies my ability to fully explain it, but it lies within the framework of “discernment” a term I don’t use much.
However, looking back at my old blog, here is quote I like;
“When you make a judgment you make a decision that the way things are is not the way things need to be. Your judgment reflects your belief in right and wrong based on what you may or may not know. Your judgment reveals your attitude of superiority that says you have the right to determine what must be done, how it must be done and who must do it. Your judgment shows that you resist accepting things the way they are. A judgment is a means of control. It is an attempt to get people to do what you need and want them to do in order to feel better about yourself. A judgment is a sign of fear. It is the foundation of discontent. Most important of all, judgment is the way you set yourself up to be judged by others.” unknown author.
The only person I need to be judging is me, and that is done by trying very hard to ask myself “what are my motives?” Are my motives self-serving, or are they trying to help others, (who will never know that I did anything to help them, btw)
I made some judgements (or was it discernment?) yesterday, I called Advisor, he stepped in and things got better. Was I discerning or was I judging? I know I used the “slogan” “if nothing changes, nothing changes” and that is why I called Jack the Advisor.
Thank you dear Bryan for the gentle nudge into reflective writing of my own today. I think I will even save this letter to my blog.
Have a soothing day~
Part two. ( July 5th, 2015)
First, I want to put a quote in here that will be of use later…
From the movie Code 46….
“If we had enough information, we could predict the consequences of our actions. Would you want to know? If you kissed that girl, if you talked to that man, if you take that job, or marry that woman, or steal that papel? If we knew what would happen in the end, would we ever be able to take the first step, to make the first move? “
That is the million dollar question, isn’t it? I mean if we knew the outcome of anything we did or did not do, would we proceed? I want my actions, words, thoughts, and desires to count for something, not rattle cages or cause harm. I want to be assured that I am doing things that will be seen as good.
This last semester (*read above) I had a rough time at the end of the year. There were a group of defiant SX’s who ransacked the house and tore one of the beautiful shrubs out of the pot out front.
I decided at that time, and for a couple of months since, not do a dang thing to fix it, they live here also, there are 80 in and over 80 out and if they don’t care if we have nice shrubs, me, being the ancient mariner, shouldn’t have to do it. So I have watched it die, that kills me the one on the left is dying, the one on the right thriving. Finally, yesterday, July 4th, I decided to try and salvage it, I don’t have shovel or yard gear, but I got a melmac bowl and dug enough soil to fill in the huge crevices to maybe give it a change at life. I felt pretty good and it even looked healthier. Then, this morning, I walked outside and for the love of me, I could not believe my eyes, and at first denied what I was seeing? But, it is true, someone came last night and tore it back out of that pot again? AGAIN? I am pretty messed up about it. Were they watching me try to salvage it and decided it would be funny to tear it out again? I really am pissed about it. It has been two months since they first yanked it out of the pot, and all that time it sat with no one bothering it. Now, two months passed and I get the energy and motivation to try and fix it and it’s worse now than ever. I cannot fix it this time. It has to be taken out of the pot and the soil dug out and it put back and it is a large container and large shrub.
I read this nice quote this morning soon after I saw the damage to the shrub.
Begins the moment
you choose not to
person or event to
I needed to read that, and I am grateful for the moment I felt that Peace inner my soul. But, then I cannot remain in that state. I keep asking, why did they do this, what is wrong with people, what kind of sicko thinks that messing with this shrub is funny? I cannot answer any of those questions, and right now I cannot control the next move they will make. I know one thing – for sure, we’ll have cameras to catch them soon. That is all I can think about these days, those cameras.
Last, today is Monday July 6th, 2015. I have had a great day, got busy early, got a lot done. One is about to be finished, which is working on the blog. One of the few that I have managed to complete in a long time. I am working hard on my CoDa issues, they have become an intergral part of my life, and man, who knew? I never fully “got it” until I met Bryan. He changed my life. He saw it right away and I have been valiantly working on this disease since. I am blessed to be able to see the real me. I know at times I am clouded by my own inability to see me. I am either too hard or too easy, but some days I get it just right. The reason I think the shrub and my reaction to it is part of my problem is the way I latched on to the unfixable problem of people messing with my shrub. It is what it is, and, sadly, I cannot change the outcome. I can plant it, I can water it, I can enjoy it, but I cannot control the external forces that damage it. I am not that powerful. I can wait and when the cameras get installed, I can watch it, still that won’t stop them. That will catch them in the act. That helps. Life is not ever going to be perfect. Nothing works like that. Some things are easier to swallow. That is how that works. There is the deep thick woods that we make our way through, and that can be painfully hard to navigate, but then we can find that lush green meadow and we can rest, enjoy and pass through that with joy and peace. Depending upon our spiritual conditon, we may be able to stay in the clearing longer. I am pretty content most of the time. I am blessed indeed.
Today I want to reflect upon a very inspiring teacher I have recently been introduced to, her name is Caroline Myss. Her writings are so refreshing and easy to understand. Here is the one I read this week that moved me…..
We are all asked many questions each day – Where is this? How are you? What time is dinner? My life – and perhaps many of yours – is a magnet for these questions: What is wrong with my six-year-old son? What else can I do to heal? Why should I do with my life now? ………. Last night I went to bed reading several emails from people and their lives were my last conscious thoughts before I drifted off to sleep. I always pray for my angels to take me out of my body while I sleep, to take me away from this physical world and into the celestial realms – for healing, for counsel, for rest. Sometimes I feel the detachment, most often I don’t. But I enter my passage with questions and requests for aid. I have come to believe many things through my nocturnal journeys, none of which I can prove – but all of which I know to be the truth.”
I have done this, and it is a very strange feeling to go on such travels. I must admit it takes a lot from me when I do this and I am actually embarrassed to even speak of it, I think you will think I am crazy, so I never do. The only reason I am writing about it today is because I can entirely relate to Caroline’s experiences.
Then she continues…..
“I would so love to be able to offer logical reasons for why things happen as they do – including in my own life. I would love to solve the mysteries of heartache and loss that happen to me, as well as to every one who asks me about their lives. But life is not and never will be a journey of logic. If it were, we would not need love or patience, endurance or faith. We would become mental machines, barbarians who demanded order and control, who could – and indeed would – punish those who disrupted all reasonable plans. We would fear the unknown even more than we do.”
Boy if that doesn’t make perfect sense. I think we all would secretly like to be able to see what lies ahead, and even more, thinking, we would never fear anything, because we would already know it, and that is what keeps so many folks bogged down in the inertia of not being willing to accept change. I actually love the term she chooses – “barbarians”. That is so true. When anyone decides that staying the way they have always been is the safest choice, I see so much hate come from this type person. Fear and hate seem to travel in the same crowd. I have never really thought much about what might happen if we knew what was around the corner, I mean I have wished I already knew for sure, but I never went past that wondering how it would affect the status quo. Wow? Makes sense to me indeed. For if we knew that someone was going to suddenly die or a horrible incident was about to happen, we would indeed be left to freeze in our path, hoping to outsmart fate. How about if things were going to go our way or we were suddenly going to be awarded some kind of special prize or award?
Now we live with the reality of sudden change and the whimsical nature of the unknown because it is the nature of life – and we must rise to its consequences not through logic, but through faith, wonder, courage, endurance, compassion, and love for each other. We would have little need for any of those blessed graces from which we derive our humanity if this life were a reasonable, logical, purely mental experience. No, better for all of us that it is a mystery – a great unknown. The Divine Unknown gives us a reason to need each other, to recognize that we all have the same fears and the same need for community and hugs and hope. So today, let your angels – holy, sacred angels – hover over you. Be grateful that your life is a Divine mystery. In the mystery is your humanity.” Caroline Myss
The Great Mystery – Living!
No wonder our world is so pathetic, when you stop and realize how many out there are afraid to let go of old belief systems, take a strong posture of trust and be okay with the outcome? Even down to health issues; isn’t everyone who believes in prayer always asking to “have it my way”. No prayer is ever considered to be answered unless end result is given to the way I prayed? Right? “Dear God, let me have it my way, Amen.” Then if that “my way” does not happen, then we think God is not listening? I don’t have answers, but I don’t really think that God works exactly like that. More of a – combination of God’s plan and what I would like meshing. I think I have a better chance of solving my own issues with his intervention and giving me the guidance I need to fulfill my needs/wishes. But, he doesn’t swoop down and swish me with his magic wand, if that were true, then what about a prayerful family who – after summoning all the prayers in their reach still gets unhappy results? Complicated. I have relations who demand to have things turn out their way, and when that falls though, go into deep depression, blaming [others] and drinking alcohol to fix their grief. Not exactly ‘a vision for you’ type approach. That is why I fall in love with the ideas Caroline gives us in her writings, there are tools to use to find comfort and even hope that things are going to work out, but not promises that my way is the chosen way. I have to wait around the corner to see if that is the plan. I know….complicated indeed. Thanks for reading.
My newest inspiration ……thank you!
I spent the day in deep reflection about the intimacy of the Divine in my life, all of our lives. I had prayed for counsel, necessary personal counsel. In the prayer, I released my hands from the steering wheel of my life, requesting that the Divine take over. I could feel that I was being directed to do something, to see something clearly – but what was it? Finally, I uttered the powerful prayer, “Take charge. I cannot see my way.” Within hours, a seemingly small incident occurs. It escalates. By morning, a heart shattering event is the result. The answer had arrived. My life is drastically changed – just like that. I retreat by habit, by spiritual gravity, into the silence of my interior castle. I am breathless. A part of my life had just evaporated. I had asked for clarity. I had asked heaven to take charge. Now I must gather the pieces of the consequences. In my castle, i sense the fracturing of my heart – and then – just like that – heaven sends in the remedy. The love of beloved friends pour in. I let that love flood into my heart like a salve on an open wound. I feel myself fall even deeper into mystical silence. I am now just a witness to the two sides of my heart – one fractured, one absorbing love. I remember the myth of the two wolves in a dark, cold cave, one pacing with bitterness and one calmed by love. The cave dweller must select one to represent the consequence of the injury life had just given him. Which one will carry the wound out of the cave – the wolf of bitterness or the wolf of love? In times past, I’ve chosen bitterness and watched that wolf leave the cave on my behalf. I wanted the wolf to attack the world, as it had wounded me. I would not be responsible for those attacks – who could control a wolf? But that wolf only bit me – again and again. Now, wiser, I chose the wolf that carried love. I visualized a silk thread and mended my heart in the darkness of the cave. I dwelled in awe and gratitude that a prayer uttered in silence while standing in my kitchen was heard with speed. Whispers reach heaven…I stayed in the silence of my castle for a long time, healing the fractured side of my heart. And then I felt my rich, creature nature rise up and take its place once again in the vast expanse of my interior castle. I felt its sparkle and life force ripple into every cell of my being, animating my being. I could feel my essential self once again – this is who I am in this lifetime. Know thyself and you will know the universe…..Today I bow to the intimate presence of God in my life – in all our lives.
I am so grateful to have this great spiritual thinker in my life, her words are coming from deep within and have such impact on so many. Her refreshing use of the healing and reality of life combine to give hope to so many. I am once again knocked back when I read her work.
Sometimes things just will not go away, ugly thoughts, fears, resentments, stress, feeling of confusion and so much more that we can feel we are bogging down in quicksand. I read many good spiritual suggestions on how to quiet the inner discomforts, and many do work. Sometimes I need to figure out what is bothering me down deep inside. But sometimes I just need to quiet my soul.
Wonderful suggestions by Caroline Myss.
Sometimes no matter how much you want to be calm and clear-minded, you can’t seem to reach that place. Is inner turmoil a passing wind through the porous design of human nature or is turmoil an indication that something – an intuitive message from deep within – is erupting? I think of the grace of discernment in moments like this, especially moments that extend into hours that glue themselves together into a day. It is at times like this that I need to enter into that detached harbor provided by the grace of discernment, observing my own life from above. Through this grace, one can realize that “It is not my life, but a life going through eruption.” Discernment is a grace one prays for when in need of clarity, but not ordinary clarity. You want to see way, way down into the depths of the soul to seek out the source of the disturbance. What is my soul saying to me? What am I supposed to recognize? Or has an invasion of a reptile occurred while I slept? Teresa of Avila referred to fears and negative thoughts as reptiles…and she was, as always, so right. They are reptiles and they do see better in the dark corners of our minds than we do. It is exactly at times like this that we must rely upon the grace of discernment to prevent us from giving any fears authority. All things do indeed pass. So today I will dwell in discernment, allowing turmoil to pass through my system. And I will wait for clarity to emerge, as it always does. My prayer is that this wondrous grace keep me company throughout the day and night as this storm passes.”
Today, I am doing great, just a little off because I am becoming more obsessive in my 60’s. I find that I have this burning need to get it done right now and that sometimes is not possible. I then become obsessed with that *not* part. I love reading this quote by Caroline Myss. Looking down from above is really a great tool, but requires me to stand still and be, and I can do that, I just need to be “re” minded!
Peaceful reflections and breathing…..
The storms will pass….
Today is good day!
How blessed I am